One of my favorite books is The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin, Ph.D. He proposes that psychological obstacles are usually major exciters in the sexual arena. Just as you mentioned, overwhelming fear, anger, or jealousy would kill things. But at a resolvable level they add a special charge to an encounter. Your wife is aroused by another, you feel that tug of jealousy, you reach a new height of sexual excitement, and then you go home together, your marriage intact, your commitment to each other reconfirmed. Paradoxically, the bond between you and your wife is deepened and it makes the sex and the relationship better than ever.
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