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Discussions - Nontraditional Sex - View Post - Archive
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Date
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8/5/2008 9:49:12 AM
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Posted By
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a_maze_of_twisty_passages |
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Subject
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Re: Watching your partner with someone else
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It's as hard to explain why something turns you on as it is to explain why you like ice cream. Because it tastes good is the answer, but it's not a very helpful answer. So I'll try to be helpful.
I discovered my kink when my wife cheated on me. As cheating goes, it was pretty mild. She went to a party, got drunk, made out with a guy, and then confessed the whole thing the next day.
When she told me, I felt what most guys feel in such situations: I was angry, I was tearful, I was scared... but I was also vaguely aware that, beneath those feelings, I was turned on. But the other feelings were more powerful at first, so I didn't think much about the being-turned-on part.
After a couple of days, my anger, sadness and fear waned. My wife and I have a really strong relationship. At this time, we'd already been together for years, and I had no fears she was going to leave me or even make a habit of flings at parties. It was a drunken accident.
Once the negative feelings were gone, all I was left with was the sexual excitement. Once that was in the forefront of my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I got obsessed with it.
I kept it to myself at first. Then, when my wife and I were having sex, I asked her to tell me all the details about what had happened at the party. She was surprised at first, but it there was no way she could miss the fact that the idea excited me, so she told me the full story.
I remember asking her (while I was inside her), "How long did the two of you make out?" I expected her to say a couple of minutes. I figured she had kissed him a few times and had then been overwhelmed by guilt and stopped.
"For about twenty minutes," she answered. I was stunned. I felt a knot of jealousy form in my stomach. But I also felt myself get even stiffer inside her.
She went on telling me the story, and when she got to this part where he pulled the top of her dress down and started sucking on her nipples, I came really hard. Harder than I ever had before.
It was such a turn-on to me that I made her re-tell me the story the next four or five times we had sex, and it took me several attempts to make it to the end without coming.
After that cat was out of the bag, we experimented a bit. We went to strip clubs together; we tried a few three-somes and four-somes. Once, I found my wife a guy on Criagslist and watched as they made love.
There are several things that turn me on about seeing my wife with other men and women. First of all, like most guys, I'm visual. I get turned on by porn. Watching my wife is like porn starring the person I'm most attracted to in the world.
Second, seeing her really turned on makes her seem like more of a sexual being, and that's always exciting.
Regarding both those points, it's easier for me to experience certain things (the porn feeling and the sexual-being feeling) when I'm watching than it is when I'm participating. Don't get me wrong: I love having sex with my wife. But when I'm involved, I sort of lose myself in it and am not as aware of what's going on. I like both experiences -- watching and participating. They're two distinct types of pleasures, like the two pleasures of watching a ball game and playing in one.
Here's what's probably harder to understand: I get off on the jealousy. Now, I should pause here to explain that I would not be turned on by extreme jealousy. If my wife told me she'd fallen in love with another man -- or than she was leaving me for someone else -- I would NOT be turned on. I would be devistated.
But I am excited by just a twinge of jealousy. That little tightening in my stomach I mentioned above. This is impossible to explain to someone who isn't into it. The best I can do is give the analogy of a horror film: most people don't want to be chased by an axe murderer; but they do enjoy flirting with danger by watching a scary movie. Another analogy is a roller-coaster ride. It's the thrill of safe danger. It's the thrill of prodding at a boundary, knowing all the time that nothing really bad can happen.
I would not have felt that way when we'd first gotten married. I wasn't secure enough in the marriage back then. The cheating and experimenting happened at the perfect time. It happened when my wife and I were at a sort of joined-at-the-hip stage. I knew that neither she nor I had any interest in leaving. We were (and are) each-other's best friend, with years of shared history and injokes. I can't even imagine starting over with someone else.
I most like to see my wife and a guy (or girl, but a guy gives me more of that slightly-jealous feeling) engaged in foreplay. Fucking is great, but it seems a bit more mechanical than making out, stroking and petting. I like to see her really intimate with a guy, looking into his eyes, her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.
I like to see her with guys who are younger and better looking than me. If I saw her with an older, uglier guy -- a guy who was lucky to be with her -- it wouldn't give me that twinge.
I hope this explains a bit about this fetish. Naturally, other people are into it for totally different reasons. I can only explain mine.
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