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Discussions - Monogamy, to be or not to be - View Post - Archive
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Date
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6/28/2008 5:15:33 PM
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Posted By
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SheWhoMustNotBeNamed |
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Subject
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Re: Debunking the myths of open relationships
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>Myth #1. "Open relationship" is just another name for cheating.
Cheating involves lying and duplicity. When two or more people make a mutual agreement in an open relationship and live by it, they are not cheating. They are being open and honest. And they are often demonstrating a significant amount of trust and responsibility.
>Myth #2. People in open relationships are avoiding intimacy/don't really love their partner.
Open relationships can be deeply loving and intimate. However, just as monogamous relationships seek many levels, open relationships do to. None the less, many couples in open relationships feel that their choices and the communication and trust that they feel compelled to exercise in such a relationship deepens intimacy.
>Myth #3. People in open relationships are promiscuous.
Some are. So are some serial monogamists. So are some singles and coupled people, who profess a desire or commitment to monogamy. A desire for many partners does not have to involve cheating for those who have open lifestyles and are committed to open and honest communication with all partners though. Promiscuity for anyone does not have to involve unsafe or irresponsible choices.
Some proponents of non-monogamy feel that we are more likely to be responsible about safer sex than the general public as well. We may be more likely to be honest with and accepting of ourselves and others about our desires. We may have done more to address feelings of sexual repression, which often leads to poor choices when desire becomes strongly compelling.
However, many people who are committed to open relationships are not promiscuous at all. They may not have any more partners than the average person who is committed to or desires monogamy does. They may be quite selective and may only want to engage in sex with those they are in a committed or love relationship with. Some practitioners may even live in closed arrangements with a limited number of partners to whom they are committed in the same way that monogamous married couples are.
>Myth #4. Open relationships do not work- for anyone.
Open relationships may not work for some, but they do work very well for many. Just as monogamous relationships have poor prospects when couples are mismatched or in conflict or one or both of the partners is immature or emotionally unstable, open relationships can fall apart due to the quality of the partners' interpersonal skills or lack compatibility.
Also, many proponents of open relationships question what the bar for success should be. Is it a "'til-death-do-us-part" marriage? Most monogamous relationships do not have this as their objective and as many as 50% of those that do are not successful. Some people in open relationships are aiming for lifelong love and commitment, but some feel that meaningful and fulfilling relationships do not have to last forever to be a “success.” Many people who accept monogamy as the proper social norm agree.
Many people who are proponents of openness, and those who accept traditional mores as well, see that aiming for this life-long commitment to just one partner can lead to a significant amount of misery for individuals and families, as marriages sour but the participants “tough it out” for the kids, lack of economic independence, or because of social expectations.
>Myth #5. Open relationships are all about sex.
Some are. Some couples maintain a relatively traditional, committed relationship with the exception of shared or separate recreational sex activities. Just as many people who are single, but have a desire for long-term committed monogamous relationships may want to “sow their oats” at other times in their lives, some of us who are committed to an open lifestyle are mostly interested in casual sexual relationships.
Some open relationships are very different however. Many of those who have open relationships desire friendship, love, and intimacy with at least one if not all of their partners as well. Some open relationships even take the form of multiple marriages with shared households, children, and finances.
>Myth #6. Open relationships trivialize marriage.
This is where I will have to take my leave on addressing these issues in a compassionate manner. As far as I’m concerned, a lot of married people don’t need our help. Why is one of the most widely known punch lines “Please, take my wife!”? How many American sit-coms DON’T poke fun at marriage? How many married people belittle their spouses and complain about their marriages constantly? I would never dream of treating even my most casual lovers with the kind of disrespect that is common among some married people.
Additionally, those in the religious right, who are some of the strongest advocates of monogamous marriage, actively pursue public policies that seem to have the assumption that marriage is something people need to be forced into at their base.
Historically, marriage as an almost universal institution is only seen in societies where not being married is accompanied by lack of other feasible options and severe public censure. Marriage as an institution is most stable and unquestioned when women are generally not able to survive economically without the support of a husband, people do not have the ability to control their reproduction, and non-monogamy and homosexuality has strong legal and social sanctions (such as being stoned to death).
Today, some members of the religious right are campaigning hard to make information about and access to birth control scarce, undermine women’s ability to work outside the home and the struggle for equal opportunity and pay, and to make divorce more difficult to obtain. Their have also been attempts to coerce welfare recipients into marriage by making some benefits contingent upon agreeing to marry someone, whom the individual obviously did not see as a fit partner in the past.
It is hard to think of marriage as an exalted ideal when its biggest proponents seem to think it requires coercion and lack of choice in order for most people to accept it. Perhaps people ought to question the validity and value of marriage as an institution.
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